Have you ever been in the situation where a man’s told you that you’re intimidating?
I have, and so many smart, successful beautiful women I know face it. It sucks. And it’s frikkin’ frustrating.
The more successful, educated, powerful, pretty, sexy or confident you are, the more it seems to be a deterrent to men. It seems like you have to play down your image in order to seem approachable or worthy of male attention.
The truth is, dear one, if men tell you that you’re intimidating – then YES – for most men, you are intimidating.
However, for the grounded, self-aware man – you are absolutely the perfect match. You are exactly the kind of woman he dreams to be with. A powerful woman who respects and loves herself, communicates her truth, isn’t afraid of success or being her authentic self is someone he thrives with.
Then why aren’t you meeting these men – especially Mr. Right? And why is it hard to keep a relationship going once you find one?
The truth is, dear one, you likely ARE intimidating in several ways – even to Mr. Right. But not because of your success or looks. So please, never suppress any part of you that is truly, authentically you – the shining, radiant being that you are!
There are some obvious ways women intimidate men – for instance, being pretentious, rude, picky, jaded and the like. I’m guessing you are not doing anything obvious to push men away – after all, I know you deserve a healthy relationship and are doing everything you can to be approachable and openhearted.
However, as I’ve noticed through working with countless smart, successful women like you, it’s your subconscious blocks or unconscious relationship patterns that drive healthy men away, or sabotage a good relationship.
Synchronicity and grace can’t work it’s magic if you don’t bring awareness to some of your self defeating patterns with men.
What are some ways that ‘intimidating’ women keep men at bay?
1. You’re too masculine: For so many of us, being successful means having to embrace being more masculine. Whether it’s getting ahead in college or playing the game at work, we’ve had to downplay our loving, collaborative, nurturing side. We’ve been taught one, linear path to be successful – which nearly everyone follows. In our society, nurturing roles are often underpaid and undervalued – motherhood, caregiving, teaching… anything that has to do with kindness or compassion (surprisingly!). So naturally, we have gravitated towards the masculine path of being analytical, intellectual, hardworking and goal-oriented. As a result, this path has usually meant lack of self care or self love – or even delving into our own personal truth and wisdom. And in order to not be objectified, you have to either downplay your sexiness (and play it up while on a date!) or err on the side of not being too soft and feminine.
The problem with this is that it has forcefully suppressed the other side of you – the one that’s fiercely loving, creative, nurturing, desires love and connection, cyclical and wise. The side of you that can birth and sustain life, and heal the world through your beauty, wisdom and presence. This is your feminine side.
When a sacred masculine man is attracted to you – it’s not ONLY because of your masculine side – it’s also primarily of your divine feminine side. It’s the basis of electricity and magnetism – opposites attract. For human love, it’s the principle of sexual polarity. The more sacred masculine a man you want to attract, the more of your divine feminine you need to embrace and empower.
The feminine, when wounded (from past relationships, work or childhood) or suppressed looks like an imprisoned princess needing rescuing – energetically, this can come off as being needy or desparate. Subconsciously, we’re looking for that prince to sweep us off our feet, save us and set us free. This may seem intimidating for men as you may trigger a part of them that already feels overburdened by responsibility – you could come off as someone with too many issues.
The other problem that we smart, successful women face, is that our masculine side is wounded.
Not only does it imprison our feminine side, it plays into the power dynamics of the world. This is usually the side that we take to work, and also on our dates, without realizing it. It subconsciously triggers the alpha male tendencies in men, which then makes them either combative or intimidated.
Once we do actually get into a relationship, without realizing it, we try to manipulate or control the relationship, and then the feminine side of a man becomes trapped. We play into passive aggressive tendencies of withholding and giving love, as and when we want to punish or reward our man. This is playing into old power structures that we have all grown up with – and we subconsciously promote and re-enact.
Now, as a modern woman – I know you want to create a healthy relationship with a wonderful man. But until you heal your inner feminine and inner masculine (and create a healthy balance that’s right for YOU), then you’re going to be stuck in relationships that involve unhealthy power play – or continues to intimidate men, despite your best intentions.
>> The first step is to healing your masculine/feminine balance is by practicing Self Love and nurturing your Inner Feminine. I offer tools in my Be a Love Magnet – Unleash Your Inner Radiance Through the Power of Self Love course.
2. You’re not emotionally or physically available, or are spiritually blocked. The one thing I’ve noticed about many smart, successful women is that we aren’t necessarily available for love or for a relationship to develop in a healthy way. This can come off as intimidating.
Either you’re too busy with your career, your friends, your commitments or your drama from various parts of your life. Maybe you’re distracted, always on your phone or unable to be present, and aren’t able to create focused, open space for a healthy connecton to form when you’re with someone. Your schedule may be overbooked and your work takes precedence above all. You don’t have time for dating, getting to know someone slowly and mindfully, or forming a relationship. Or maybe you’re impatient with the process of dating and getting to know someone – wanting to know instantly if he’s ‘the one’, and have a checklist through which you filter men.
Secondly, you may still have unresolved issues and emotional baggage from your past relationships (your ‘Ex Files’), which creates emotional unavailability. Everything another person does triggers you – especially the more it relates to some unresolved past pain. If you have an energetic wall around your heart, or your sexuality is shut down, you may come across as being harsh, withdrawn or even hurt. You may take things more personally than you need to, or make a mountain out of a molehill. According to Eckhardt Tolle (author of Power of Now), your ‘painbody’ is in control of your love life vs. your conscious, present, loving self.
Lastly, you may also struggle with feeling ‘not good enough’, low self worth or negative self-talk. This makes you critical, judgmental or dismissive not only to yourself, but also to others around you. People don’t feel safe around you – after all, we want to be around people who don’t judge us. Your critical ways may even be emasculating to men.
All of these are forms of spiritual blocks which we have to heal to experience more flow and love in our life.
You must take steps in decluttering your heart, mind and spirit to make space for someone else in your life.
3. You give off the vibe of not needing or trusting men. Subconsciously, most women struggle with trusting men, especially if they’ve been hurt or betrayed even once. In fact, it is one of the most pervasive problems in our collective feminine psyche. You may not realize it, but through your actions or words, you may be pushing men away – because men need to feel needed (we all do!). Not in a ‘needy’ kind of way, but rather from a healthy place of interdependence.
So much of our focus in our society is on independence – especially for us women. We believe we can do everything ourselves, and don’t ask for help from anyone. We don’t want to look or seem vulnerable or needy. We want to look and feel independent.
This is normal.
After all, we want to break free from the old paradigm that has held women hostage for millennia – economic dependence on men. Also, we want to be seen as equal and capable partners. Unfortunately, our patriarchal society doesn’t value the side of us that gives birth and nurtures life (in fact, women are subversively punished – with less pay, limited career opportunities, inadequate child support, low maternity leave) – and hence we simply have to work twice as hard to become financially independent. Moreover, up until our parents’ generation, men didn’t contribute to household chores, which doubled the pressure on women to ‘do it all’, and continued to propagate sexism and even misogyny.
Unfortunately, this dynamic has left women in our generation wounded and hurt by the masculine. We feel that we can’t trust men, as we’ve been disappointed so many times. For many women who felt that their father’s were emotionally unavailable (to them or their mother), the pain and lack of trust is twice as real.
For this reason, you may, indeed come across as being focused on being independent, not needy, in charge and, perhaps, not trusting of men.
This is intimidating for men.
While this past pain is understandable, you now have a chance to heal and rewrite your love story. Most honorable men love and respect women – and WANT to co-create a world with you that’s free from sexism and is supportive of the feminine.
You can learn to forgive, have compassion and understanding for yourself (and men), and bring awareness to where you push men away. You can learn how to need and trust men in a healthy way – a way that honors and respects both of you – and also becomes a healing container for your relationship.
Men, too have suffered in many different ways, including forcefully playing into alpha male psyche and being punished for being emotional – and being hurt by women countless times.
You can be a Love Goddess – leading the way in what healthy interdependence looks like between a man and woman. After all, we are the emotional leaders in a relationship.
4. You lack communication skills. Sometimes when you say something, it comes off as too rational, too emotional, prescriptive, powerless or too forceful. So you end up either suppressing your voice or saying hurtful things. This can be intimidating for men.
It’s not your fault. Our society doesn’t teach us the basic skills in how to communicate well. Skills like deep listening, compassionate communication, making requests, having empathy, emotional resilience, having healthy arguments and holding space for intense emotions are all things we aren’t taught. This is a severe handicap for women, who are meant to be the leaders in relationship-building. When we can’t listen with compassion (and without an agenda), we aren’t able to create a space for a man to share is heart with us.
When a man can’t express himself fully or isn’t able to be his full self, he becomes emotionally disconnected. He feels intimidated by you. Learning key relationship and communication skills will keep a man hooked onto you.
Dear one, this is your opportunity to CREATE the relationship of your dreams. To unlearn so much unconscious behavior and engage in healthy relationship dynamics with men. To fall in love, and co-create with a life partner is truly one of the most satisfying and rewarding experiences in one’s life. Men, indeed, are some of the most openhearted, kind, strong and loving people, and as women, we want and need partnership with a man.
As I’ve seen with countless women, and myself, it is possible to heal our conditioning and past pain, and attract a man that truly resonates with us, on a soul level. And we have the opportunity to create a NEW PARADIGM of relationships on this planet – one that honors both the masculine, and the feminine.
Although the list above seems long, I would recommend that you use it as a guidepost to observe your own behavior and patterns. This doesn’t mean that you are broken or unworthy of love.
Rather, it’s a path of empowerment – a Heroine’s journey – to learn to love ourselves and create the conditions for grace to manifest.
What types of men are you attracting? Take the free Love Magnet Quiz and get your personalized Love Assessment.
Is it time you partnered with a Love & Relationship expert to take control of your life? Apply for a complimentary discovery session with Sarika Jain to discover how you can:
- Practice Self Love
- Release your spiritual blocks and increase your vibration & magnetism
- Date and attract your soulmate in a healthy, joyful way