I used to ask, “How does this relationship serve me?” or “How do I fix him?” or “How do I get him to see my point of view?”
I know it sounds selfish, but it honestly did come from a place of having certain needs of mine met, like respect, communication or a shared reality. My own needs were gnawing away at me, like a naughty cat scratching away at an old couch.
As I’ve been learning to meet my own needs, and also allowing others to pamper me and serve me in their own ways, my ‘neediness’ has settled down (don’t get me wrong, there’s still parts of me that hunger for more, and my desire for even better/greater things can never be quenched!).
It requires quite a bit of humility, honesty and a heaping dose of patience to allow my needs to be met by my partner and others. A bit of self awareness too around what’s driving my needs – is it a scared inner child, or the yearnings of an evolving woman?
Lately, I’ve come to realize that my job is to meet my husband, Life, and others, where they are at. You can’t change or fix people, nor work extra hard to appease or please them. Nor can you let your own ‘not enough-ness’ and guilt destroy your relationships. You can still share your truth and needs from a place of compassion, but understand that others’ might not share your reality or understand where you’re coming from.
You have to let people have their own experience. Maybe you can provide your hard-earned wisdom or a resource if they ask for it. But mainly you have to develop the understanding that each of us is here to heal, grow and learn at a pace that is most right for us. (As I say, Life is a Mystery School).
This might feel frustrating as you want others to follow your advice and ways of thinking, as you feel you know the truth of how the world works. But it doesn’t work that way.
The Mother is always there for her child, no matter how the child screws up. She cares for her, feeds her, loves her unconditionally. She creates the nurturing environment for her child to take risks, learn from her successes or mistakes, even stray from home. The mother is there for her, always. Her role is to assist her child in becoming the best version of herself, through self-discovery. The mother is also aware that she doesn’t know everything, and she has plenty to learn from her child, too. Motherhood is so humbling!
That’s how we have to be with our partner, our loved ones. We can’t impose our thoughts and judgements on them. Instead, we try to understand them, or at least listen from a place of tolerance and letting go of our own egoic filters.
In these polarizing times, this is extra hard for people in relationships (or single women looking for their mates). I get it. Yet, it’s even more reason to show up in unity, and find harmony through our differences.
If you’re having trouble with this, you might need to heal your inner child’s wounds, and develop your own Inner Mother and Inner Father within you. You need to learn to meet some of your own needs.
Find a couples’ therapist or relationship coach to support your relationship. Allow for a sacred container to hold your loving relationship as you navigate uncertainty and the world’s ups and downs. You’ll be surprised what miracles emerge through this process of healing your relationship! Plus, you’ll be developing the skills to make your relationships resilient.
Meet your man where he’s at. Love him even more, hold him even tighter. Listen more. Don’t push him away or complain (reminder to myself!). It might be the greatest gift you can offer your partner.
I get that all of this sounds idealistic. But I’m realizing as we’re navigating uncertainty in the world, that Love is the Way. It’s the only way out and through. It’s why we’re here.
I’m wondering if you have any questions, thoughts or insights about how to love during these polarizing times? What challenges have you been facing?
With love & light,
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