I just got off the phone with a client, Emma – she was bubbling with euphoria… she just spent the past 3 days with this amazing man whom she met on Tinder.
She even opened up to him in a vulnerable way, telling him how she felt in that moment. She was nervous and afraid. Rather than running away, he was touched, and said he felt the same… she was blown away by his honesty!
I’m so proud of Emma… she’s come a long way. Soon after our first session over a year ago – she met an amazing man, and dated him for 10 months. She jumped right in, because he was everything she had wanted, at the time. While the relationship didn’t work out, she grew 10x as a woman. She learned to open up her heart, men’s psychology and discovered a whole new career passion. She took some time to heal – and got back online! She’s now working on building a strong inner foundation to create healthy, thriving relationships.
So in this moment, when a woman is wrapped up in her oxytocin kick, what can she do to make sure she’s setting up a mindful foundation in her dating process?
1. Take it sloooow. I know it’s hard, when a man says and does all the right things… after all, could it be any more perfect?? However, as a coach, and in my own experience, it can take nearly 6 months to really get to know someone, and say he’s ‘the one’ – even if you feel it in your gut and you have the best instincts. Why? Because a relationship is a transformational process of going from ME to WE – and there are many tests along the way for both people! A true relationship is based on a sense of safety, trust, resilience and unconditional love… something that you can’t ‘get’ overnight.
So, keep it cool and maintain your balance in your life. Friends, Family, Career, Self, Community – all of these are important, even in this heady phase. One tip I give to women is – date other men! You don’t need to commit to anyone, until you both ‘know’ this is right, AND you have a solid foundation together.
2. Practice a ton of Self Love. Let’s face it – this is a heady period where you could lose yourself… and also, become dependent on someone else to show you love, affection, appreciation and so much more. It can become a vicious cycle – if he doesn’t respond to your texts right away, do you fret? If he doesn’t call when he said he would, do you start to panic? This is the reality of dating.
This is a period where Self Love is vital. Remember – the world is your mirror – and the way you love yourself, is how others will love you. I call it the 5 As of love – Acceptance, Appreciation, Attention, Approval and Affection. Begin to include rituals and practices where you give yourself all of these. Practice mindful breathing, meditation, continue to date yourself, and laugh a lot… humor is important!
Show yourself kindness – your ego will try to sabotage things by infusing your mind with insecurity, self-doubt, self-criticism, anger/frustration… try to accept this reality, and have self-compassion (rather than resisting/fighting it) – after all, this is the human experience!
3. Be vulnerable and honest, but don’t give yourself ‘away’. I learned a valuable lesson, of energetically keeping my heart with me, at all times. That doesn’t mean that I don’t radiate my love for another – or feel compassion, love and empathy. There is a healthy way of giving and receiving love.
In the beginning, share from your heart, but also practice a lot of ‘deep listening’. Out of nervousness and excitement, we women tend to overshare, or have sex too early, and then feel vulnerable and naked for having ‘shared too much of ourselves’. Share what is appropriate in the moment – and it can be slow and steady.
Remember, you’re a mystery to be unraveled… and so is he 🙂 Men love mystery – and Life is a mystery – and when we try to speed things up, we lose the magic of the present moment.
4. Be present. When you’re on a date, keep your phone away. Try to stay 100% focused on the moment. Also, refrain from texting each other – try to set up calls, and focus on creating in-person experiences – this allows you to maintain your inner balance, AND set up a pattern for high quality, ‘gourmet’ dating.
5. Be a partner in the dating process. There is a lot of programming out there around ‘being swept off your feet’, wined and dined… but given this new age of dating and partnership, I believe that things can be more fluid. Take turns planning things for each other. If you can’t afford to take him out – plan for a walk in the park! Check out www.clubfreetime.com for free, fun events in the city. Make your dates fun and meaningful, and about ‘experiences’ – not hanging out in each other’s apartment all the time. It almost feels like high school dating – what’s wrong with that? Even if a man is pursuing you, make sure he doesn’t feel he has to do ‘all the work’ and jump through hoops to prove his desire and love for you.
Krishan and I now look back on all of our fun experiences while dating each other. It set the foundation for a loving, fun, joyful relationship – and creating a team dynamic.
Are you ready to transform your Love Life? Set up a Relationship Assessment to discover how you can:
- Practice Self Love
- Let go of your baggage and increase your vibration & magnetism
- Date in a healthy, joyful way