“I am ready to meet and reconcile with my ex. What should I do?”
Let’s say you are ready to meet with an ex, or another person we are estranged with. Here are some things to remember.
Reconciliation is a journey. It’s a gentle, slow, and deeply humbling process. We have to remove our focus on ’perfect’ or expected outcome, and trust in the process.
It is about increasing understanding, and forgiveness. During the process, we grow as people, in our ability to have empathy for the other, and really, truly understand how we caused suffering for another (this has been the most humbling and healing part of my own journey – to really understand the pain I caused and to take responsibility for it). And at the end of the day, we are seeking forgiveness and reconciliation for the sake of our higher selves (or, one can say God); our physical self is secondary.
Ask yourself, what are your intentions for reconciliation? Is it to get back together, understand what happened, or just have acceptance of the situation?
When we are making a request to meet someone to reconcile, we must always have the openness for the other person to say no.
Because you are making the request as a strategy to meet one (or many) of your needs. And maybe the strategy to fulfill your need (in this case, speaking/meeting) may be in conflict of one of the other person’s needs, and they may not really want to meet you, at this time! As my Nonviolent Communication (NVC) teacher said, “A no to a request – is actually a yes to a certain need”.
Let’s say the person says no to our request. Ugh!
Take a moment to hold yourself, and practice self-empathy. It can be painful when someone says no to us, especially when we’re in a vulnerable state!
However, this is your chance to step back, and ask – what is his/her need being fulfilled, by not meeting with you?
The possibilities are many. Perhaps they are not emotionally ready to meet with you. Perhaps deep inside, they still need to practice deep self-empathy first, before being able to tackle another’s emotions (i.e. yours). Perhaps their heart is energetically/spiritually blocked, and maybe even surrounded with a ‘heart wall’.
Or maybe they really are just really happy, where they are right now.
We may not know, but at least, we can be open to understanding.
Remember, it may take months, or years, before a reconciliation can truly happen. It first starts from the inside, and ultimately may lead to you actually meeting the person, and having a heart-to-heart. You can make a few more attempts to meet or speak with your ex – and if they aren’t ready, that’s fine! You’ve done your best, and you just have to be ready to move on.
“If we think only of ourselves, forget about other people, then our minds occupy very small area. Inside that small area, even tiny problem appears very big. But the moment you develop a sense of concern for others, you realize that, just like ourselves, they also want happiness; they also want satisfaction. When you have this sense of concern, your mind automatically widens. At this point, your own problems, even big problems, will not be so significant. The result? Big increase in peace of mind. So, if you think only of yourself, only your own happiness, the result is actually less happiness. You get more anxiety, more fear.”
― Dalai Lama XIV, The Wisdom of Forgiveness
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