The number one question I get from women is, “Sarika, if I’m not attracted to him, why bother with another date??”
I get it. We live in a time where time is limited, and dating can feel draining; so why bother dating someone if there’s no chemistry?
Here’s my two cents on it:
First of all, chemistry is a misguided compass for whether something is good or bad for us. I jokingly call it the “Taco Bell” test. Which would you prefer, a green juice or Taco Bell (or fill in your favorite fast food)? More than likely, you would go for the fast food, right?? Every time you eat the tasty bite, you get instantly gratified, a sugar high, and that craving was fulfilled. Green juice is, well, necessary and healthy.
But here’s the good news, the more fruits and veggies you throw in your diet (or if you take JuicePlus daily, which is what I do), the more your body starts craving green juice. But I guarantee that for 95% of us, even if we started shifting our diet for the better, we would still fail the “Taco Bell test”!
I also see it all the time with men – the ones who are elusive, well-traveled and groomed, tall, successful, slightly unavailable, confident to the point of arrogance… don’t these men make your legs quiver… even just a little?
This is chemistry, in a nut shell.
So if you’re using sexual chemistry as a marker for determining whether he’s a keeper, my advice is – don’t!
I believe in sexual chemistry, and attraction. As modern women, we deserve to be with someone whom we connect with on every level – mental, emotional, spiritual AND physical. But I wager that for many of us, chemistry is not a reliable test.
But how do you know whether your sniff test for ‘chemistry’ may be off? Here are some reasons:
- If you’ve gone through painful relationships: then more than likely you’re still wired to find similar relationships or men attractive (even if the relationship was abusive). Your body craves and itches for that fulfillment it didn’t receive in that last relationship. Weird, right?
- If you had a bad relationship with your dad (or mom): Even though you swore to yourself, “I will never date someone like my dad!” you will likely be attracted to a man like that. It’s because, deep inside, your inner child still craves for that specific need that your dad never fulfilled for you (by the way, there would be a similar example for your mom).
- Your parents didn’t get along: You may be wired for attracting a similar relationship like theirs.
- You’re not “turned on” by yourself: Because of our busy lives, most of us are so disconnected from our True Self, that we don’t really know what we want anymore, so it’s hard to know what really turns us on.
Also, many women struggle with self-worth issues. According to studies, 70% of girls grow up feeling ‘not good enough’. So remember, like attracts like – if you don’t feel worthy, and you’re not truly attracted to yourself, how can you expect someone to be attracted to you?
Lastly, I want to bust the myth that people in relationships are sexually fulfilled and have loads of chemistry. Apparently, sexlessness in marriages is on a rise.
So sexual chemistry is misleading – and isn’t lasting either – unless people consciously work on it, even after being in a relationship.
“So, Sarika, how does this apply to my dating life??”, you must be wondering?
First, take a deep breath. Breathe, my love.
Your soulmate is on his way, I assure you. AND you have an opportunity to consciously CREATE your dream relationship – starting today.
Here are some steps you can take to start attracting your man into your life – while changing your chemistry to WANTING a healthy, loving relationship:
1. Find radical acceptance – for yourself – being single, finding dating challenging – and everything else going on in your life. Graciously accepting your current situation is ALWAYS the first step to making a change in your life.
Begin starting your mornings with a 10-minute meditation and gratitude for the things you have in your life right now – your home, family, body, career, the planet, anything! In fact, shift to gratitude whenever you start feeling low. You can even be grateful for NOT being in a bad relationship.
2. Practice a boat-load of Self Love. How can you offer yourself love and care, as a friend or parent would? How can you create a loving environment for your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well-being?
The more connected you are with yourself, the more intimacy and connection you begin inviting into your life. You have to fill your own cup, and be your own best friend, beloved, soulmate. In my new online course Sacred Soulmate System, I share steps in how to practice mindfulness and Self Love in a sustainable way, which supports healthy love to begin flowing to you.
3. Get a hold of your pesky patterns and limiting beliefs – and begin to shift them. Do an assessment of your past relationships. What was common in those men? What are you still hurting from? Is there any ‘unfinished business’? Also, look at your relationship with your parents. Was it healthy? In what way could it have scarred you? In Sacred Soulmate System, I offer a “Relationship Pattern Assessment” and “Close Your Ex Files” processes to help you finally gain clarity in why you’re wired for certain types of relationships.
4. Be a master of your own sexuality and femininity: Ask yourself, “How turned on am I by me, by life itself? How can I start feeling more connected to what gives me joy and pleasure?”
Start healing your sexuality and releasing sexual wounds. Practice offering your reproductive organs some love and spend time pleasuring yourself. Learn embodiment practices like yoga and sexy dancing. Being in charge of your own sexual pleasure is the FIRST way to start getting ‘turned on’ – which will leave you more open to healthy connections with others. I share how to “Discover your Wow Factor” in my online course.
5. Get TRULY connected to your values and vision: Ask yourself, “What do I truly care about? What is one thing that I would fight for – even die for?” Without knowing what you value, you will date anyone – and maybe even settle for less – a person who doesn’t know their own values. Plus, you may rule out an amazing man, because “you’re not attracted”. In my “Align Your Life to Your Vision” and Manifestation Prayer Blueprint, I offer a step-by-step process in declaring your vision to the world.
I remember when I first started dating Krishan, I thought, “I’m not attracted!” – mainly because he seemed way too calm and steady, which I found ‘boring’ (even though is a very attractive man!). But I kept dating him because we shared values in honesty, meditation and serving our community. He ALWAYS showed up for me. I found myself falling in love with him over a period of 6 months because of his strong values – and I don’t regret it since!
6. Start dating in a healthy, abundant, joyful way: Dating can be fun and even enchanting – if you shift your mindset to one of mindfulness, self love and abundance. My motto is “Dating is a spiritual journey” where you learn more about yourself, face your worst fears, release old patterns and learn how to open your heart to new possibilities.
I always advise women to date several men – and give men 3-4 chances if they seem like kind, generous, stand-up guys. Sometimes we start sabotaging a perfectly good relationship due to our own Inner Blocks.
So continue dating based on resonance and values – NOT on chemistry. Work through your own sabotage patterns. Be kind and generous with men – just like how you would want to be treated. Also, learn to graciously say no to men whom you don’t resonate with. This way, you stay honest, open to possibilities and loving. In the “Anxiety-Free Dating Blueprint” in my course, I give all the elements for what a healthy dating process looks like.
How one woman nearly missed out on Mr. Right, due to chemistry…
One of my clients, Fari, met an amazing man online. She texted me, “At first I wasn’t going to date him because he’s Asian [note: she is Asian herself!]. But then I decided to give him a chance. I wasn’t attracted for the first 2-3 dates, but then I thought… what the heck! Now, 4 months later, I’m SO happy with him! He’s my dream man 🙂”
As a smart, beautiful entrepreneur, Fari could get ANY man she wanted. But she kept meeting emotionally unavailable men. As it turns out, she also hadn’t completely healed from her 7 year relationship. During our coaching, she went through a process of letting go of her baggage, closing her ‘Ex Files’ and rewiring her chemistry – and started creating her dream life and business.
She became the most TURNED ON woman I met!
She continued dating for 6 months… and never gave up faith. She dated several men, and nothing seemed to pan out. However, she continued to follow the “4 Keys to Healthy Dating”.
Then, out of the blue, on her birthday – her Soulmate appeared!
This can happen with you, if you are committed to finding True Love within yourself – and attracting it into your life.