A Free Teleseminar with Relationship Experts
Lion Goodman & Carista Luminare, Ph.D.
Background in Sacred relationships, neuroscience, psychology, etc
7 week course can be found here.
Carista – had a traumatic childhood herself. In college, began exploring how to support having healthy relationships with children – ability of parents to know what love is. Focused her attention on healing relationships between people, to support healthy child upbringing. Early childhood dynamics directly impacts future relationships.
Lion – recognized dysfunctional behaviour in parents – both would withdrawn. Became withdrawn himself – couldn’t create bondage with people. When learning attachment theory with Carista, learned that his childhood had affected ability to bond with personal or business relations. Learned that he could change himself, which could postiviely affect all future relationships
Being smart and intellectual, doesn’t mean that we are knowledgeable about love, which has more sub-conscious components.
How does secure attachment happen?
Our brain helps us feel safe/secure with someone – heart will open if brain feels loved. Two parts of brain – higher brain which has empathy, etc; primitive brain – more automatic and animal-like. Can overtake higher brain.
We can see if someone is securely or unsecurely attached to themselves or others. This can be seen by relationship between parents. In a secure attachment phase, parent will make child’s security top priority. Even the tone or body language of parents make an impact on our insecurity. We become avoidant, anxious or withdrawn.
We develop strategies to get our needs met – maybe even non-verbal, primitive actions. This is repeated throughout our life.
If we aren’t predisposed to secure love, we can re-wire ourselves now.
– Realize that need for secure love is always present – never outgrow it. Need to depend on others – we are meant to be inter-connected. Know what is our sub-conscious strategy when our needs aren’t being met. What is the trigger for our fears and insecurities?
– We need to be compassionate and accepting with our own fears
– A Study – Kaiser foundation – most people in study experienced some level of childhood trauma. Many of us now are being reactive to our childhood trauma
– Medulla – always looking for possible danger, and causing us to react. We are in a ‘warzone’ because of our current paradigm. We need people to help us feel safe – then we can relax and come back to our natural state. When we are in fear, then cortex shuts down – our reactive state takes over – fight or flight. We need to be regulated – ourselves or someone else
o This is love – depending on someone, to help us feel safe and secure. We need to be hugged, feel the love flow – it’s a healer
o Technique for calming the medulla by partner
- 3 love languages – e.g. calming a baby. Calm voice, eye contact, and physical touch – feeling held. Then cortex comes back online
- Can be used for anyone, and calming else and others
o Relationships can help heal and calm person down – reach higher levels of consciousness and healing
Secrets to applying:
- Learn the basic building blocks of love
– Know our attachment and love style
– Difference between divine and human love
- Re-wire the brain – neuroplasticity
Have a cooperative agreement with partner, where we make each other’s safety a top priority. When in panic mode – we can call up our partner, and say ‘I’m feeling anxious’
- Need for practice – Very complex sub-conscious patterns. Practice new patterns – self-love and with others. Even at work – learning to be more kind, accepting and loving
- Care and repair techniques
- Dealing with addictions
Love is a power
- Can be used well, or badly – love can be used to heal, or overcome hate. E.g. Gandhi, Mother Teresa, used the power of love.
- People who are loved are strong in the world – very empowering
- Love can impact our neural and immune systems
- Love has many virtues – respect, acceptance, etc
- Retraining needed – by understanding one’s neurology, and fight the instinctive reactions, such as withdrawing or avoidant
- Commitment to rewire from insecure to secure – for each other. Enjoy pleasure of connection – friends, colleagues, etc. We help each other rewire and reconnect with ourselves and others
How does our deep-seated beliefs affect our relationships?
– Beliefs are like lego blocks for building our experiences. Begins in the womb, from our mothers
– Dig into belief systems, stemming from parents, society
– Use ‘Belief Closet Process’ to clear them, one by one. Like pulling out the weeds. Affirmations may not work, because sub-conscious can overcome it.
– Once old beliefs are removed, new ones can be brought in
These skills and evolutionary relationships are essential to how we birth our new paradigm!