I want to share a little bit about my personal journey. This past few months, I was reaching a roadblock in my life.
I was feeling dry, a loss in pleasure… the sweetness in my life was missing. Here I am, married to my dream man, living in the best city in the world in our very own Temple of Love (our pad in Harlem), with my sisters and parents close by, working on my soul calling… and I still felt a sense of emptiness!
Moreover, I was feeling more distant towards everyone… and my heart was closing up.
Some instances below:
- I was going to drop out of my Mastermind group. In my mind, they were either ‘too good’ or not ‘good enough’, and I didn’t fit in anymore. As I announced my departure, I was told by everyone in the group, “Sarika – you’re afraid of being vulnerable. That’s your block.”
- My dad wanted to give me money, to help pay off my student loans. I felt a huge well of emotions rise up… and I couldn’t receive it with utter gratitude, in case what that may imply (would he leave us? What if I never could reciprocate)?
- My healer told me I needed to surrender in my relationship – that I was still too much ‘in control’… and wasn’t allowing myself to receive, completely and wholeheartedly. I was being guarded.
This became evident, when I was on a bus ride to my sister’s, with Krishan. I was telling him about my new studies of the relationship between Mary Magdalene and Jesus (Yeshua), and how I resonated so deeply – almost to a deep, aching level.
He started asking me questions, and at once, I snapped, “I don’t like the way you’re asking me questions…!” He looked hurt, and he said, “You’re pushing me away – don’t you see it?” He was upset the whole ride after.
I realized I was guarded, edgy and skeptical of peoples’ intentions with me. In a sense, this was leading me to be alone, and isolated.
I had reached the edges of my intimacy.
I had painted a picture that no one understood me… and that I didn’t belong, given my unusual and mystical path. I was afraid of giving, or receiving too much, in case I opened my heart more… and people could see the real me.
Intimacy – “In-to-me-see”
Wow – I was afraid of being seen. So I was pushing people away, before they could see my dark, shadowy, ‘evil’ side.
What is my shadow side? What was I afraid that people may find out – on a subconscious level?
- That I may begin to disengage in a relationship… and maybe even betray our trust
- That I’m not ‘good enough’, I’m not enough, and I will never be enough
- That I’ll be taken advantage of
- That I won’t be able to reciprocate or not show enough gratitude… and people will resent me
- That I’m actually a ‘fallen’ woman, not worthy of receiving love
- I’m a fraud and imposter
What did this lead to? Overwhelm every time I thought of a commitment to someone, avoidance, attracting avoidant people, not following through… pushing people to the edges, to see how long they would stay in my life, before leaving me. Living in isolation, and feeling like I ‘don’t need anyone’.
In my next letter, I will share about how I dealt with my intimacy block, on many levels… and what message the universe was telling me, about femininity, love, business, and meaning of life.