“Any day I spend with you is my favorite day.”
I just came back from the toughest experience of my life. 10 days of silent meditation (Vipassana), meditating from 4:30am – 9pm everyday. You basically live as a renunciate, with no communication with the outside world. And I am 6 months pregnant!
I had done it before, but this time was different. It was deeply terrifying, revelatory, healing on many levels.
The toughest part was not getting to hear the voice of my beloved. To know that Krishan was ok, to hold me, share my thoughts with, just having him by my side.
It was 1am. I was wide awake. Nothing to read, write or distract me with. Just me and my thoughts!
In my mind, I saw the prospect of his death. I imagined all these crazy scenarios of his getting into a strange accident, which seemed reasonable for some reason. The odds seemed small, yet high enough. Perhaps there was still more karma for me to play out and god wanted to teach me more lessons. In fact, I started collecting evidence as such.
The mind can play evil tricks with the most irrational fears.
My heart started racing and I was agitated. The baby kicked wildly.
The withdrawal had officially started.
I could not distract myself with anything – book, IPhone, journal – nothing. I had to sit with my body sensations, and simply feel. I had to understand my craving for him, and my aversion to the moment.
A wave of panic came over me. I wanted to knock on the course assistant’s door; begging to call him. Just hear his voice to know nothing happened. But I stayed committed to my vow of noble silence.
I wanted to run the corridors, screaming loudly. A wild woman. Ready to pull my hair and jump out of my body if I could.
But, I decided to stay focused on the meditation. Feeling the immense pain. The profound sadness, the confusion, the darkness.
And a wave of angry dark fear overtook me, blanketing me. Suffocating me. I thought God had betrayed me, as I’d always suspected he/she would. I saw myself die.
Then, interestingly, I saw that I didn’t exist. I never existed. I am because Krishan is. And only my deep divine love for him exists.
I saw his divine and noble qualities, enumerating them, and I smiled childishly, joyfully.
I didn’t need anything from him, i am nothing. I have no Self. I just love him. I AM my love for him. and through this love, I saw myself loving everyone, everything in the cosmos.
And we merged in divine union. I stayed with the ‘christening’ moment, and began to feel a deep bliss. A golden light. I beamed in this revelation.
And fell asleep.
But the days following, the withdrawal and irrational sadness, anxiety and fears continued, but lessened. I inched into being able to sleep for longer and longer periods. And meditate an hour between each REM cycle.
I learned to become more equanimous. Surrendered. Knowing that if we were to be together again in this lifetime, I would not want anything from him. I just want to love him unconditionally. I regretted all the mean things I said, my criticism, my impatience, my focusing on work instead of him. How I played little games, or disapproved of him – keeping him at a distance; and protecting my independence. I realized it all stemmed from this underlying subconscious fear of his death.
I vowed to simply love him, as he is, and cherish every moment with him.
And through this surrender, I examined all my core relationships, each one – my parents, siblings. And saw how my love had been tainted by conditionality – and as Buddha talked about, aversions and cravings. I spent days reflecting on each, going through the same process, extending out to wider circles of connections. I was lucky that I had resolved a lot of my relationship issues prior to going, otherwise it would have caused even more suffering!
I also felt deep compassion for those who were in prisons, mental institutions and other situations where they couldn’t get any psychological medicine and divine feminine nurturing, when they need it most.
I died, but reawakened.
On the last day, when meeting other women, I learned that nearly all the women in my end of the corridor went through the same irrational fears. And I felt comforted that I wasn’t the only one!!
I imagined the scenario of Krishan and I reuniting countless times. How I would run to his arms, and tell him everything. Shower him with kisses. Hold him tightly. Accept his humanity and sacredness.
I meditated on this craving, and burned through so much. Purged. Krishan became my teacher in opening my heart, as I examined each part of my life. His life, his stories, his virtues, all became my guide posts as I navigated dark tunnels within myself. He was a beacon for me, and I was grateful.
And that morning of departure, strangely, I was calm. I didn’t rush to the phone. I ate, cleaned up, chatted with a beautiful woman (who had lost all her siblings, parents and 26 year old son). I was somber, and accepting of the realities of this human existence.
Then I received my phone, and made the call.
He picked up immediately, and we both laughed and cried at the same time.