Dear Sarika,

I am a 38 year old well-established, good-looking guy. I am taking consistent action to find my life partner. I’m looking for a woman who is beautiful, self-confident and grounded – maybe even spiritual.

The women I’ve been meeting online have been flaky or uninteresting. Lately, I’ve been texting with a girl I met on Tinder. She seems really pretty, smart, and interested. However, she lives in a different city. My problem is that I’ve been trying to meet up with her, and we text all the time. Sometimes it’s like “hey, how’s your day”, and then when I respond, I don’t hear back for another few hours. We have talked a few times, but nothing really deep. We were supposed to finally meet up this weekend, but last minute, she said she is going to be stuck at work till late! I’m up to my wit’s end. What should I do?

~ Almost-had-it


Dear Almost-Had-It,

I empathize with you. I know that dating off Tinder is hard enough, given the ease of window-shopping! But now you’ve finally met a girl you think you can finally gel with and you’re finding it hard to pin something down, even a meeting.

Here’s some advice.

First of all, break the bad habit of texting while getting to know someone. I use texting only for logistics – or maybe exchanging sweet nothings with my husband (but not really, because we’re both busy).

Here’s the general rule – if you’re flaky, she will be too. Your world is your mirror.

So how do you stand your ground and not send ‘flaky’ vibes to the universe, either through your actions, and even your online profile (I can help make your profile ‘flake-proof!’)?

And how do you know whether this relationship is worth pursuing?

First off, try as much to encourage at least 2 phone calls before you meet someone. You can consider them ‘virtual’ dates! Make sure they’re meaningful conversations, where you really get to share what matters to you, and you both get to offer each other some deep listening too. It’s best to keep away from texting. I know it’s what everyone’s doing – but somehow, I find that it takes away from connection and intimacy. So request that you find some time to speak with each other, so you know whether you resonate enough to meet up.

Secondly, she seems to not be ‘making room for love’ (one of my steps in my system). She (and you) need to grow some you-know-whats, and (compassionately) assert boundaries between work and personal life. My personal rant is that people are so ‘committed’ to their careers, that they have lost integrity with themselves. Their identity and self-worth comes from the work place, and this leads to lack of space and time for love, and nurturing a relationship.

If she doesn’t seem to have time for love, then it may not be worth it. Likewise, make sure that you are making time for dating, self-care and balance in your life.

Finally, learn to speak your truth and make requests – (I teach my clients how to use Nonviolent Communications (NVC)). You can tell her, “I’m (feeling) a little disappointed about not meeting up. I also value respect and consideration for both of our times. Would you mind if we find some time to speak this week? I would love to get to know you better.” And then, after talking to her, make a choice – if your values for consideration and respect are being met, amongst others, and you have something in common, then you know it could be worth pursuing.

If the flaking continues, then remember that there are more fish in the sea! Ultimately, you want to attract someone who resonates with your values, with whom you can grow understanding, connection and intimacy.

Hope this helps.

With love,

Sarika

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