The #1 question that I get from women is… “where do I meet quality men?”
(Note I met my husband in a meditation group, and I know plenty of women who meet their partners online (Bumble, Hinge, eHarmony, Match, Shaadi, Tinder, okCupid, etc.), singles events, school, through friends, travel, etc). It’s all about Law of Attraction and staying open/committed/wise to dating (all of which you can accomplish in 8 weeks in my exciting new online course Sacred Soulmate System!).
Well, the question is, how do you define quality?
As some of my clients know, I love studying archetypes, as I think it’s one of the best ways of understanding human behavior.
I want to caveat this article by saying that ALL of us are evolving, and have things to work on/heal. So I would urge you use this as a tool for understanding men, but not as a reason for being more guarded, mistrustful, skeptical or judgmental.
First, the basics – the obvious signs to look out for whether he’s a keeper or not are: addiction, not keeping one’s word (action speaks louder than words), unresolved issues from a past relationship, is angry/distant with his family, hangs out with immature/not-so-great friends (or has none), workaholism (or the opposite, not driven at all), bouts of anger or shutting down emotionally when the going gets tough. Obviously, these are traits that women can have, too, which we all need to address.
If you would like a more juicy understanding of men, see below!
Carl Jung’s 4 Archetypes for the Mature Man – King, Warrior, Magician, Lover
Carl Jung, prominent psychologist, inspired the definition of 4 archetypes of King, Warrior, Magician and Lover to help describe the motivations and stages of growth of a man’s psyche. Usually men are evolving in all 4 areas. Note that each of these are aspirational and take a lifetime. Each of the evolutionary paths are shown in the diagram.
What I find interesting are the child-like, or unintegrated sides of a boy/man – which could be a ‘Red Alert’ for a savvy, self-aware woman such as (ahem!) us. We may not see these signs immediately – which is why I recommend women to get to know a guy for at least 6 months before committing (and date several men!).
We spend our whole life trying out different careers and passions – why not give each relationship an honest chance to pan out how it’s meant to? This way, you can get to see how compatible you two really are for the long haul.
8 Types of Men to Avoid (or date with caution!)
- The High Chair Tyrant: In the beginning, this kind of man will seem like a king or prince. Stately, wise, charismatic, self-confident! He has a zest for life, and is a little attention-seeking (c’mon, who isn’t, darling). Usually these men wear the heady cologne of money or success – a sexy trait for women.
However, over time, the darker side comes out. He sulks (or throws tantrums) when he doesn’t get his way, is incapable of taking criticism and fails to take responsibility for his actions. He’s so arrogant that he can’t tell what’s real, and gets in his own way. Sometimes you see these qualities in a famous person who believes they are above criticism for lying or cheating, but does it anyways.
Another way to detect a High Chair Tyrant: he expects nothing but perfection from himself and beats himself up if he doesn’t meet those self-imposed and unreasonable expectations.
- The Weakling Prince: Again – a stately, well-groomed, Mr. Nice Guy who always seems to do the right thing. He could be King if he really tried!
However, when he doesn’t get his own way, he doesn’t throw tantrums – instead, he makes himself look like a victim, and expects others to come save the day (much like his parents did, when he was young!). He whines, has no passion for life, no enthusiasm, and no initiative, and must be completely coddled. He gets angry when others fail to meet his expectations, but doesn’t let them know his needs. He is the ‘king’ of passive aggression.
- The Grandstander Bully: On the outset, this is a ‘man’s man’, who doesn’t like to do ‘sissy things’, stands for his ideals and independent way of thinking. He is on a hero’s journey where he’s looking to serve the world, but by first feeding his own identity and power. Examples would be people who adopt a label, like being the “liberal” or “non-conformist” guy.
Where the shadow comes out is when he demands respect from others, and gets angry or violent if he doesn’t get it. He has an arrogant, self-righteous, inflated view of himself. He is sometimes seen as a brash risk-taker, and often gets in his own way. Examples of bully behavior include road rage or getting angry at a waitress.
- The Coward: This man avoids confrontation or standing up for himself. He goes along with the crowd and ends up doing things that society recommends him to do. He sometimes gets disgusted with himself for being a doormat or coward – even though he knows that there’s something important to do, he’ll find excuses not to do them. As people walk all over him, he may get enraged over time – and turn into The Grandstander Bully!
- The Know-It-All Trickster: This type of man appears confident, charming and successful. He can tear any idea apart, or point to others’ mistakes or shortcomings, and can be quite smug or intimidating about his own abilities or knowledge. He may brag or throw around money to maintain a successful appearance. However, he’s prone to deception and trickery, and deep inside, lacks substance – which can lead to insecurity.
- The Dummy: This man may actually be very smart and talented. But he’s afraid of failing or striving, and plays dumb to deceive those around him. This man may seem motivated and interesting at first, but over time, you discover that he’s naive, uncommitted and lacking vigor.
- The Momma’s Boy: This man loves the feminine, but a little too much. You can see it in men who love their mother, but are tied to her approval, desires and expectations (the umbilical cord was never cut) – above his own. Perhaps they grew up in a home where the father wasn’t present, or he had a weak presence. He may look for union with the ‘ideal woman’ by using excessive porn, or womanizing – but can never find someone who fits his desire. He may go from one failed relationship to another. This one can be tricky, as on the outset, this guy could be a very kind man who adores his mother. Only time can really tell whether he puts her needs over his own, or his own partner’s.
- The Dreamer: This man is unconnected, in his own thoughts, a little aloof. He could seem like a spiritual, lofty-minded man, but over time, you discover that he spends more time on achieving a dream, rather than reality or real-life relationships.
While these archetypes may seem a little obtuse/general in themselves, I would encourage you to see them as patterns to look out for.
My two cents: Have compassion, tolerance and patience for the journey the man’s on, and not try to fix or change him, just because you “see his potential”. If you experience dangerous patterns, you can:
a) Stop seeing him;
b) Let him know how his behaviors make you feel, and make requests for helping meet your needs; or
c) Simply accept him and be on this growth journey with him (hey, we all have areas in which we are healing!).
Also, it’s important for you to have a strong inner foundation, set healthy boundaries and be able to communicate powerfully, so you don’t lose yourself in a man’s drama – and can see a situation with wisdom and love.
Were these tips helpful to you? I would love for you to comment bellow or give feedback.
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