Today I met a beautiful, 30-something friend who told me, “Sarika, when I’m not accepting my sexuality and desires, I don’t feel alive. I feel like I have so much to give and explore — but I don’t feel like I can because I’m by myself.”

I told her, “Girl! You gotta do these things WHILE you’re single!!” She was blown away by these words.

As we delved deeper, she revealed that the men in her life have always left her for another woman — and the fear of it happening again stops her from dating. “It’s always going to be someone else — but not me.” She starts feeling jealous and insecure in the relationships.

Sexually, she never felt comfortable asking for things (nor was she really sure what she wanted) — and when she perceived that her ex would begin pleasuring her only half-heartedly, she felt disappointed and stopped asking.

She even felt like a slut for making requests and having sexual desires — and instead, she focused on pleasing him. She felt ashamed of her body — the way her boobs looked, and whether her positions were erotic or ugly. They had sex with the lights off. She was convinced she was never ‘enough’.

After a while, sex felt routine.

She felt like she could talk about ANYTHING in her relationship, but not that. There was a whole part of her that remained hidden.

She felt inherently disconnected, unsacred… UNWORTHY to receive sexual pleasure and attention.

Now that she’s single, she automatically shuts down in front of a guy she likes. She’d rather stop dating than risk being rejected or get hurt again — “maybe he’s just another selfish narcissist.” To top it all off, she feels that sex is inherently dirty and ‘wrong’.

She has SO much love and intimacy to give and share, but doesn’t know how to express herself… and is afraid at the same time that she’ll never get to really experience it.

It’s a half-lived life — and if you notice — it’s a pattern while she’s single AND in a relationship.

Do you relate?

The reality is that women hold the powerful key to love and intimacy — both within herself and a partner. We women can heal the world through our ability to love — and teach others to love.

Here’s what Swami Rama (Indian spiritual teacher) says, as a wake up call to modern women.

When a woman is confident in her sexuality, she knows what she wants, doesn’t put up with crap, knows how to be both powerful and vulnerable, brings up confident kids, and ‘trains’ people around her to respect and adore her, the way she does to herself!

Our bodies were designed for pleasure, giving birth, emotional alchemy and love. This desire and pathway to love is both sacred and divine — and men yearn for this special connection to God through love with a female partner. This is not just about sex — it’s about connection on every level.

Here’s a secret:

Most men WANT to pleasure and please women. This is what they desire most. What most women don’t realize is that the biggest turn off for a man is when she doesn’t know what she wants or desires.

Being single is the BEST time to explore your desires, learn to express your love and sexuality, find out what turns you on and set healthy boundaries.

So how do you start owning your sexuality and feeling alive TODAY?

5 Sexual Essentials to Master While You’re Single

1. Be an Emotional Alchemist

Negative emotional energy thwarts sexual energy. Rather than holding on to past pain, shame and guilt, learn skills to “reparent” yourself, heal your emotional/sexual wounds, stop self-criticism and process your emotions so that you can quickly rebound and be happy and optimistic. Learn communication skills to express your feelings, needs, requests, and setting healthy boundaries.

Avoid activities that lead to depression — like over-drinking, dating men who drain you, hanging out with toxic people — and instead find heart-healthy, soulful activities like meditation and uplifting programs like Landmark Education — or find a love coach/therapist.

When you create emotional safety and trust within yourself, you’ll be happier and find ALL of your relationships improving!

2. Lead a ‘Turned On’ life

I meet so many women who want to travel, but haven’t yet. Or have untapped dreams and desires, and are waiting for “someday”. Well, guess what, darling… That day ain’t coming, until you make it happen! I traveled to 52 countries before I met Krishan — and boy am I glad I did. I got my free-spirited, adventure bug out — and I still carry the memories with me like my own lil secret.

Find out what turns you on — what books, activities, secret skills and fantasies? Explore, and don’t worry about skimping on time or money. I met a busy, professional woman who started taking pole dancing classes just to ‘try it’. Be naughty, do unreasonable things, take risks, be creative, flirt with life, be a seductress, play, have fun! Wear sexy clothes only if it makes you happy (I know I love dressing up, looking sexy and socializing!).

Also, be sure to take care of your health by staying active, eating well, and nourishing your mind, body and spirit. Sexual chemistry begins within the self.

A confident, self-aware, self-expressed woman who is enjoying life will invariably attract love and abundance. You can always tell a woman who ‘settles for less’ by her lack of enthusiasm, drive or just simply seeking mediocrity because it’s comfortable/safe.

3. Learn how to love and pleasure yourself

More than likely, this department probably needs major overhaul for you. First — learn to really love and accept yourself — the good, the bad, the ugly. Some of this work I call ‘shadow work’, which is about facing your dark (and light) sides, and loving it. Knowing that there’s nothing that’s inherently sinful, unworthy or unlovable about you. It’s how you wound up being due to social conditioning.

It’s also about knowing yourself deeply, outside of society’s standards, validation from others, social media, and such. And loving yourself — which I call the 5 As: Acceptance, Appreciation, Attention, Affection and Approval.

Next, you need to explore your sexual desires. Engage in self-pleasure practices, look at your body in the mirror saying, “Wow beautiful body, thank you for housing me in your beautiful temple! I accept you, please forgive me. I will love, honor and cherish you.” You can massage your breasts and womb, masturbate joyfully, stare at your yoni (vagina) with tenderness and love, play with your body, walk around your apartment naked. Dances like belly dancing help begin opening up your sensuality.

4. Face Your Madonna/Whore complex

Unfortunately, we grew up in a society where in the last 2000 years, both women and sex have been reviled, commoditized, sensationalized and more. We’re facing the aftermath of it. Within you, where do you have conflict between being a good girl or bad girl? What are you ashamed/proud of? When do you consider other women too slutty or prudish? Do you put yourself or other down for how one dresses, looks, feels, etc? Does your body give you pain or pleasure (and can you find equanimity with both)? Do you want to do certain things, but judge/condemn yourself?

What did the women in your family think of themselves? Is there a history of bossy, pushy or obedient women, cheating men, codependency, abuse or addiction? Look at patterns in your family, and determine to put an end now — through you.

These are important to explore BEFORE a relationship, because a lot of times women are looking for validation, appreciation, respect and ‘completeness’ with men — and this really needs to come from within (the man you attract will be a reflection of what you believe within yourself).

5. Be Irresistibly You

There is something mysterious, unique, beautiful that you embody — and no-one else does. Cut through the root of unworthiness, and see yourself as priceless — a gem of a woman — a mystery even you haven’t unraveled and would take a lifetime to. Revel in your mystery — live your life like a creative dream. Mystery is sexy — and so are you. Allow yourself to desire, imagine, go for your dreams — and let go of your attachment to your outcomes.

Commit to being loving, kind, sexy, the best partner you could ever be — and being yourself! Find out what you value and care for in a relationship — outside of what anyone else thinks. For instance — challenge yourself — “Do I really want to get married? Do I really want kids? Or do I just want a partner to enjoy life with?” Most of us get stuck in some pre-determined mold. What would you be if you didn’t have these outside voices telling you what to do?

Men find women who are unique, independent and irresistibly happy with themselves to be sexy, challenging and adorable.

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